The Evolution of this Crunchy Mama

Ok... Here it goes... I am finally ready to admit it.... I'm a crunchy mama.

I never thought I'd be this way, I swear! But, here I am in the middle of month 5 and I LOVE cloth diapers and baby wearing and breast feeding and natural childbirth and am excited to try baby led weaning.

I came to this realization this weekend while discussing cloth diapers with a fellow mama. I'm literally obsessed. I am like a cult leader trying to bring others into the cloth cult. And I was doing this while wearing my baby in a woven wrap at the beach. And I realized it. I'm a totally hippie. A total work in a corporate job by day, breastfeed at the lake in a woven wrap by weekend mom. And I started to look back over the last five months and try to figure out when this happened...

It really happened about seven months ago when I took the day long childbirth class at our local hospital. They talked about all kinds of stuff and showed lots of videos of different birth stories (women who did it natural and women who used analgesic pain meds and women who got epidurals). And I realized I did NOT want an epidural. Women with epidurals seemed so disconnected from the birth process. They didn't feel when to push. They couldn't walk around. They just laid in bed and waited for instruction.

Look. I will NEVER knock you for getting an epidural. Shoot. If you read back to the first post here, I signed all the paperwork after 23 hours of labor and was all set for the epidural when I found out I was 10 cm and sent the anesthesiologist packing with my new found second wind. But, when I attended that birthing class, I realized that pain free was not the birth I wanted. Well, let's clarify, numb was not the birth I wanted. Unfortunately, there isn't really an in between. You can't have a 'kind of' painful birth. You either get numb or rip your body apart kind of pain.... And of those two, I wanted to feel what my body was doing. It's pretty amazing that your body opens and expands to birth a baby! It's really an awesome experience, and I didn't want to be numb for it. I chose two words to describe my ideal birth experience: Engaged & Productive.

Engaged - I am birthing my baby. The birth is not happening to me. My body made her and will help her come into the world.

Productive - everything is happening for the purpose of bringing my baby into the world. All the pain is expanding my cervix and pelvis to make way for my baby. Every contraction brings us one step closer to holding our baby. 

So, that's literally a snip of the email I sent to my doula about the kind of birth I wanted. It sounds great, huh? Well, if you read back to the first post, you'll see what actually happened. I did get an engaged and productive birth, but it was not all rose petals and singing kum ba ya. It was our birth story and it's a good one, though.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. That birthing class was really the first step. But, even after my mostly natural birth experience, I still didn't believe I was a crunchy mama.

Then at 2 months, I started a cloth diaper trial. And LOVED it. And became obsessed with doing right by my baby, my wallet and the planet.

And then at 3 months, I really started to love breastfeeding. Which was a cruel joke by the universe, since this was the same time that I went back to work. Don't get me wrong, the first 2.5 months of breastfeeding were fine, but I started out having a lot of pain. Partially because of Chicken's shallow latch and partially because I'm super sensitive. So, I mostly endured the first month of breastfeeding because I knew it was best for her. I didn't really like it that much. By month 2, I felt like I was constantly attached to this tiny human and I really needed my space! But, then as month 3 came around, we had a much better 'routine' going (that's in quotes for a reason) and we were both getting better at breastfeeding. I really started to enjoy our one-on-one time and the realization that all of her milestones (smiles, laughs, rolling over, etc) were fueled by milk that I made, with my body! That was so amazing.  

And then at 4 months, I bought my first gauze wrap and practiced some cool baby wearing wraps. And LOVED it. And so did my little Chicken Nugget. It was so much more comfortable than the Ergo or the Britax (and way cuter). 

These days, you can find me nursing this little Nugget all over town, in any restaurant, at the lake, in my house, in the back yard, while playing board games with friends, etc. I'll just remove her from her woven wrap, change her adorable cloth diaper and latch her on (with no nipple shield and maybe even without a nursing cover). So, yeah, I'm a crunchy mama.... So what?

Our birth story is not my Mom's

Lots of people tell you to look to your mother for her birth experiences. If she had an easy labor, you will too. They lie.

My mom had three kids with no drugs, all of us in under 4 hours from the start of labor to the baby in her arms. I was a 'birth helper', at the ripe age of 12, at my brother's birth. My mom stopped at Blockbuster on the way to the hospital. She never screamed. I only saw pain in her face when she was pushing, which lasted less than 1 hour.

This was one of the reasons I decided to go for a natural birth. My husband and I researched and read and watched DVDs. I downloaded hypnobirthing tracks on my iPod. We practiced massage and meditation. We hired a doula who specialized in physical movements to encourage natural birth. We were not only going to have a natural birth, we were going to get an A+ in natural birth!

Then it happened... not once, but three times. My labor started three times, over the course of two weeks, before my little angel decided to finally come out and meet us. The first time, we even went to the doctor, who confirmed I was dilating and in labor. "Go home, take a long walk, relax, and I'll see you later tonight." Then, after 12 hours of regular contractions, they stopped. No baby, no dramatic water breaking like they show in the movies.

Exactly one week later, the same thing happened... This time, we tried accupressure points and a circuit to reposition the baby to get labor moving. All to no avail. The contractions stopped again after 5 hours. And I cried and cried. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I give birth to our baby? Am I going to have a c-section? Will she ever arrive?!

Two days later, the contractions started again. They were real and regular, but so were they the last two times. I busied myself around the house and listened to my favorite slow jams. Then, within an hour, they were four minutes apart.... Whoa! Now I think it's time to go to the hospital. We packed up the car. I was in pain, but I was a natural birth pro. I can do this all day long!

Be careful what you wish for. I DID do it all day long....

After 12 hours, I was only slowly progressing. I had made it to 6cm and felt great, but how long would that last? The midwife at our hospital suggested we break my water to speed things up.

Immediately, my contractions went from strong to UNBEARABLE and UNRELENTING. They say you get a break between contractions. I did not. And that lasted for 9 hours. We walked, we tried massage. I swayed and sat on the yoga ball. Nothing put more than a slight dent in this unbearable pain.... And now, I've gone 36 hours without sleep and I'm completely exhausted. I asked for something to dull the pain and received a shot of Fentanyl. It was a sweet relief. I got 20 minutes of sleep! I could still feel the contractions, but I was able to rest!

Over the next three hours, I got two more shots and I had made it to 8cm. Progress, but still slow progress. I didn't think I could make it any longer. I asked for an epidural. By this point, I had gone through 23 hours of real labor, 6 of which felt like walking through the center of hell. I had a total of 60 minutes of relief from the Fentanyl, but that had worn off. I gave up. I needed sleep. I needed relief. I needed an epidural. Screw all the hypnobirthing and massage. Give me the drugs!

By the time the anesthesiologist arrived and had me sign all the paperwork, my doula asked the nurse to check me one more time. It had only been an hour since the last check. I was expecting to still be at 8 or 8.5. I was at 10! They told me I could start pushing. Did I still want the epidural??

"Hell no! Let's do this!" After all, my Mom had pushed for less than an hour. I can make it that long. I had a renewed energy. I had made it through the toughest part, right?! Mostly right.

After three hours of pushing, including 1 hour of crowning, my (not so little) baby made her grand appearance. She was a whopping 9 lbs 4 oz and 21 inches long (the size of a 1 month old baby).

So, did we get an A+ in natural birth? Likely not, although I'm not sure who grades us. I did learn a few things though:
1) My mom is a freak of nature. Who does that?!
2) My body can take a lot more than I thought it could
3) Birth hurts; It's tough as hell and no amount of preparation will make you immune. But, in the end, you get a beautiful baby and you mostly forget the pain.